My love, My life

avantika @ 2009-01-29T18:57:00

2009-01-29T13:45:26Z

Everyday I face a dilemma and I'm not quite sure how I feel about the subject.

I travel in trains to commute to and from work - in the first class compartment since I have a pass for the same. However, there are some who travel by the first class even when they don't have a pass which I don't generally care about but there are usually some women in the compartment who act like ticket checkers and literally throw these poor women out.

My dilemma is that on one hand I agree they have paid for the first class pass and therefore are entitled to a slightly less crowded train yet on the other hand it seems inhuman to treat those who can't afford the same luxuries in this way. If they had the same resources and had chosen to travel without a valid pass then it's a different matter but it just feels so classist that these so called 'privileged' women feel that it's their right to act as the train police.

What's even worse is when they do the same to kids! I want to ask them if they speak like that to their kids or how they would feel if their kid was being shouted at in some other train by some crazy woman who happens to be born in a richer family and can therefore afford to pay 100 bucks more than them.

Yet...I've never done anything about it...and tomorrow again I'll board the train and avert my eyes when a child is not let in to the train...

:(

avantika @ 2008-10-26T11:10:00

2008-10-26T06:51:03Z

Sometimes I wonder if my life seems a bit weird to an outsider...it seems strange even to myself to think how anyone could live in a protected shell all their life. But strange as it may be...that's the way it has been. And now every experience seems new...every new choice pushes me out of my comfort zone...every step I take is a risk, though it may be a child's play for someone else.

Sitting in the shell may seem like an easy choice...but I've worked hard at breaking it...jumping out of it and taking a few steps are my next challenge...flying is still far far away...

Bandra

2008-05-18T15:27:43Z

I took a walk on Carter Road today...everytime I pass through a crowded place, I think...so many people, so many lives...are they happy...or are they lonely...are they just going through the motions of life...are they living their dreams...what if I were one of them...

I sat down on the pavement in one of the open spaces, on the opposite side of cafe coffee day...it's a really nice place...there were kids running around...owners playing with their dogs...other people sitting on the pavement and steps...there was a group of youngsters playing some instruments and singing along...I couldn't tell what they were singing though I could hear it through my ipod music...but they seemed happy...they were moving to the tune of their songs...

And as I sat, listening to my music, watching the activities near me, I saw the sun slowly go down and the sky and the sea turn orange...it felt very peaceful even amidst all the commotion...and for a moment I felt I was living a life different from my present one...it felt a bit surreal...like I'd risen above and could see everything below, myself included...

(bad quality pic taken from my motorola)

I've noticed...

2008-05-14T04:29:59Z

That everybody -

thinks they're good listeners
thinks they're very self reflective
thinks that they think a lot
thinks that the above are unique/rare qualities

7 Habits - Begin with the end in mind (Eulogy)

2008-05-08T17:23:02Z

This is a very sad day for me, yet as I look back and remember the times we shared together I feel like the happiest man. I knew I would marry Tiku the moment I laid eyes on her. I met her when she was 23 and I was 26. Though she was 23 she was as innocent as a 10 year old and in the last 60 years I’ve literally watched her grow from a baby to an old but beautiful woman.

She was a very special woman: warm, caring and understanding. She was shy when I met her but as she grew, her confidence also grew and she became one of the most outgoing persons I’d ever met with friends in almost every country in the world. And I think the fact that most of you are here at this moment speaks a lot about her.

Her sense of humor was different yet so cute and funny. Her resilience – for someone so tiny she was surprisingly very strong. Her elegance – I remember her showing off when someone said she looked like Audrey Hepburn J She was so positive and vibrant…she brought sunshine with her wherever she went. She touched so many lives, her work and her life exemplified her belief that you don’t have to make a loud noise to make a change.

by shivani_smith

Her zest to try new things, to make people happy and to make a difference inspired so many. She found beauty in everything and yet was so blissfully ignorant about her own beauty. She had me believe that I taught her a lot, but I know I learned a lot from her as well.

I will miss her.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Proactivity

2008-05-07T11:48:09Z

Habit = knowledge (what and why) + Skill (how) + Desire (want)

Stimulus --> Self awareness, Imagination, Conscience, Independent Will --> Response

Our behavior is the function of our decisions, not our conditions

No one can hurt you without your consent

I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday

It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us

Focus on the Circle of Influence rather than on the Circle of Concern

Anytime we think the problem is "out there", that thought is the problem

Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice

Flawless Execution

2008-05-05T17:28:47Z

Plan --> Brief --> Execute --> Debrief

People errors are the exception, not the rule. More often than not, organisational processes, organisational behavior and system failure are the true culprits (leadership, organisation, teamwork, communication, discipline)

Future Picture - Picnic scenario - different people have a different idea about a perfect picnic - show them the picture.

Break the processes into tiniest steps - master the steps

6 months later...

2008-05-04T17:53:10Z

It's amazing where life takes you...usually for the better. 6 months ago I was cribbing and feeling stuck. Here I am now...quite happy, contented, excited...

About a couple of months back, I went on a 2 week holiday - first to my parents' and then to my in-law's. I learned something from each of these places - at my parents' , I understood where some of my behaviour/beliefs come from. I was able to identify the beliefs, identify the reasons and to an extent identify the solutions. At my in-law's I realised the kind of person I want to be...and don't want to be.

So on the flight back from KL, I decided I would do the following for the next one year:
1. Learn to play an instrument and play in front of other people on the new year eve's
2. Learn about a new topic - current and general - every month
3. Read 2 books every month
4. Exercise 4-5 times a week
5. Listen to music each day
6. Put down a positive thought at the end of each day
7. Love my job

I started with a lot of enthusiasm but some of it faded away pretty quickly. However, the status now is:
1. I can play 4 songs on the guitar now. I've already played (although badly) infront of our neighbours. I need to learn more songs but am finding F and B chords, which are needed for most songs, very tough - either need to find songs without those chords or just practice those chords more.

2. I started with reading about dolphins because I love dolphins and so I thought if I started with something that I find xciting, I would keep at it. However, that hasn't been happening - need to restart on this.

3. I've been reading quite a few books. Mostly management books though. Books I've read in the last 2 months: Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Winning, Flawless Execution, One Minute Manager, Leadership Pipeline, Self Leadership and One Minute Manager. Currently reading - 7 Habit of Highly Effective People. It's a pretty good score for me. What I now need to do is start posting what I've learned from these books so I don't forget.

4. Exercise - sigh - did it the first week. But I'm planning to go swimming at least once a week to start with and I really want to play tennis as well. Not sure if that will be possible unless I can use the Bandra Gym. But swimming will be a start - need to be proactive and ask (pester) people who are members of the club to take me.

5. I listen to music on the way to and from work. I find it really puts me in a good mood - delays, traffic, rush, fights in the train etc don't bother me so much now if I have my ipod on. The other day I walked into my office while still listening to the ipod, smiling and humming along, and my junior wondered if I'm going nuts.

6. I haven't really been writing positive thoughts down but I feel more positive now. Everyday I go to sleep feeling happy and lucky. I need to learn to stay this way and not let daily work stress get to me.

7. I completely love my job now. I've become the HR Manager and there are so many things I've already learned and so many more I'm looking forward to learn. I didn't think it would be as difficult as it is but I don't want to make the same mistakes I've seen so many managers making...and though I know in the process I might, yet I'm ready to accept my mistakes, learn from them and ultimately become a great manager. As of now, I'm learning to delegate, develop and coach and at the same time realising some of the values I will not compromise on in the process.

And best of all I've realised and accepted that I'm responsible for my own happiness. And I feel good.

Feeling stuck..

2007-11-25T13:37:47Z

I envy those who know what they want to do, what they want to be from the start. I just found a friend on Facebook who was in my school in class XI and he knew he wanted to be a lawyer then...10 years later, he's exactly that and doing extremely well. I, on the other hand, didn't know what I wanted to do then and until recently.

I took law because one my dad was a lawyer and two because my career counselor at school, after various tests, said I would be good at it. Quit that to become a social worker within 2 years of practicing. Taught kids from the slum communities at the same time doing HR for the organisation. Completely enjoyed both of that and now I feel that HR really is my calling. I love developing people, making them believe that they have the potential and that they can realise it...perhaps because I know how frustrating it can be if you don't and how simply happy you ca be if you do.

But now, when I want to join the HR department of a company, I find myself stuck - because everyone wants an MBA - the law degree and work experience is not enough. So I have the following options:

1. Do an MBA - I can only apply to colleges next year since all admissions procedures have already begun for this year. So that means I can only get into a business school in 2009 and therefore

(A) I can only begin my career in 2010 at the earliest, possibly 2011 if it's a 2 years course. i.e. at the age of 31.

(B) Since most good colleges have compulsory residential courses, I'll have to stay away from hubby for that 1-2 years.

(C) We had planned to have a kid when I was 30 i.e. in 2010 and now it doesn't make sense to start a family in the middle of or immediately after graduation nor just when I've started my career. And so that gap keeps increasing.

(D) Financially - we've already taken a home loan and I don't even know how we can think of affording my study loan.

2. Get a job without an MBA

(A) It's difficult to get people to even look at your resume if you don't have an MBA

(B) Even if I manage to get into a company, I'll have to start at the most basic/entry level - where young MBAs would be my managers

(C) In terms of career progression, lack of a degree may be a hindrance and in case the company decides to downsize I'm afraid I may be amongst the first ones to go (so if the choice is between an MBA and me at the same performance level, I would most definitely be the one who's shown the red card)

3. I could try and get into a company even if it's at the entry level and at the same time apply to a business school - but I don't know if it's worth doing a long distance/part time course and if I would still have the same disadvantages; even assuming that I'd be able to balance work, study and home.

I feel stuck... :(

Melissa Ethridge - I Need To Wake Up

2007-11-03T17:47:23Z

avantika @ 2007-10-27T23:21:00

2007-10-27T17:53:04Z

I'm sick again...and missing mom. I want to be pampered :(

The things you take for granted, never come back...do they?

Sob...

I really like Coldplay

2007-10-21T18:05:06Z

avantika @ 2007-10-21T21:57:00

2007-10-21T17:10:02Z

I'm trying hard to keep calm. But I'm on the verge of screaming out, possibly bopping a few people on their heads as well. I don't understand religious people, but I do think they're very self absorbed. Or else, they're just on a mission to drive us (the non-religious types) nuts.

I mean, I'm all for finding reasons to be happy, no matter how crazy or sane, and in fact I admire people who can do that for themselves. And if someone feels religion is the way to be, well it's their life and their thoughts and their beliefs. But I definitely don't think it gives them a right to do anything in the name of religion.

And I'm not even talking about the bigger issues like war or terrorism or discriminations. I'm just talking about the blasted music that these people play at insane volumes at insane hours and the crowds of people walking on the roads blocking traffic. Is it really absolutely necessary to do that?

I'm not against religion as much as I'm against religious people who don't think about the inconvenience caused to others, who are ready to pull each other;s hair the moment they look up from their religious textbooks, who force their family members to go to religious places, who make 'moral' judgments on people that don't follow their beliefs, who think they're superior than us (actually maybe I shouldn't hold that against them since we think we're superior to them as well)

But the point is, we're so much more tolerant, patient, considerate of people and of their beliefs. I don't care which religion the person believes in or doesn't, as long he/she is a good human being. Isn't that the point of religion...and if it isn't then there's something definitely wrong with it. The sad part is people are so blind to it, they refuse to see it.

I remember my students and their parents asking me so many times about my religion and their reaction when I told them that I didn't believe in God. I saw disapproval, disappointment, even disbelief. But sometimes I also saw surprise. Like they didn't know such a thing was possible. They didn't know it could be a choice.

Well, if there was one message I could give out to them and to others, it would be that believe in anything you want to, but stop and think and let it be a choice. For you and for others.

time to move on...

2007-09-15T14:08:53Z

It's been a bit more than a year since we shifted in this flat...and exactly the same amount of time since I joined Akanksha. And suddenly it's time to move on from both...It's a strange feeling. I didn't realise how fond I had grown of both...

I've learned so much at Akanksha...the most challenging year of my life...for sure there have been ups and downs through the year...but I still believe in the cause. Just yesterday I was telling somebody about the things I've done here and they said that I sounded so passionate about it, why would I want to leave...Well I guess I've got my reasons...yet I can't help but feel a twinge. So many memories, so many dreams...not just mine.

And as I start packing little by little and watch the spaces becoming empty...taking each little thing that was kept on it very carefully...almost as if I'm taking them away from their home...photos...picture frames...marbles...paints...books...random sketches...mugs...stuff toys...everything.

My first home...maybe that's why. Maybe I'll get used to it as the years pass by...but today I just want to sit and think about all that happened and all that I learned...the times I laughed and the times I cried...my favourite places in the house...the window where I stood so many times just waiting or thinking...the door I put so many locks on...my room and my side of the bed...my cupboard with neat piles...the drawer my secret messy place...that little corner with a book shelf and a rocking chair...and the light above it....

I guess it's just a phase and I'll be alright...I'm happy, I am...the future beckons... it maybe a tad uncertain just now...but I have faith...in myself and in those I love.

Making a difference

2007-04-23T13:42:42Z

An entire academic year has almost come to an end at Akanksha. Though I was there for only about a half of it, I feel like I've been a part of it for ages, a part of all the children's lives for ages. We have about 33 centers across Bombay and every time I see a kid wearing a red/yellow/orange/blue Akanksha T-shirt with 'Be the change' written at the back I feel so excited. I feel such a great sense of belonging...of bonding.

I've worked in at least 3 different roles in my career life - as a lawyer, in Human Resources and as a teacher. And by far, teaching has been the toughest of all. When you stand in front of 30 kids whose lives you know you can impact by every action you take, or don't take, it gives you an immense feeling of power, of responsibility, of concern and of fear.

As a teacher I have faced so many challenges on a daily basis, made so many on-the-spot decisions, come up with so many innovative ideas, come across so many different personalities in different kids and within each kid, got in touch with so many hard realities of life about which we only read in the newspapers and then forget...

There have been many disappointments, many times I've wondered if I'm capable enough, many times I didn't see the change, many times I almost cried out...but somehow I never gave up. I haven't given up because every time I see our alumni so confident, speaking fluently in English, getting great jobs and taking charge of their lives, I just feel so enthused with energy and optimism. And I know, I just know that we really are making a change.

avantika @ 2007-04-22T23:01:00

2007-04-22T17:33:46Z

It's quite strange (and frustrating) the way most people react when I tell them I work for an NGO. It's usually "oh," or "really" or an unspoken "why". The general impression is that working in the development sector is "time-pass".

A conversation I often have goes like this:

So what do you with your free time?
Me: Huh?

You must be working a few hours/days a week right?
Me: No actually. I work 6 days a week, official hours are 9:30 to 5:30 but usually end up working later than that.

Oh? What do you do?
Me: Well, I work in the HR dept and I teach at one of the centers.

What do you do in HR?
Me: The usual hiring and firing :)

DO you get paid?
Me: Yeah, we do.

But still, what do you get so busy with? It's just teaching a bunch of kids...
Me: Well, it may be an NGO but it's quite corporate in structure and working. So we have the usual departments like in a corporate as well as others specific to our work. We have an employee base of around 100 which will grow close to a 150 this year in Mumbai alone.

Really...? *disbelief*
Me: Yeah *cant be bothered explaining it to you, you nut*

Really, what is it with people? I, for one, really think that we (and people like us) are the ones doing the most worthwhile and serious work. Work that really matters. Work that will really bring about a change. And it has,as it continues to do so...I've seen it happening at Akanksha.

Long overdue post - 1

2007-04-15T06:54:19Z

Some of my fav London pics from the Europe trip last August.

As arbit as it can get

2007-04-09T14:35:15Z

Sometimes K and I have such arbit conversations that somebody evesdropping would probably send us to NIMHANS or some such.

Now Kana has this habit of putting wet towels on the hooks behind our room door every morning. The next day he invariably forgets where he's put them and takes out new towel and then puts them at the back of the door again until there are no more towels left in the cupboard. Yesterday, I was somewhat annoyed and our conversation went something like this:-

"What are all the towels doing behind the door?" I asked him.
"Breeding," came the prompt reply.
"Breeding?" Quite used to getting such answers by now, I thought quickly, "I see, but how do they breed when there's only one towel to begin with?"
"There's a towel lover, you see," he went on without a pause, "he sneaks out of the cupboard."
"Hmm, so does he romance all the rest of the towels?" Wondering why I was even asking the question and encouraging him.
"Nooo. Towels get straight down to business. They know life is very short and at any time they can be grabbed and made to wipe dirty hairy places."
"Ohhh, towels must have a pretty traumatic life," I said, still continuing the bizarre conversation.
"Yes. That's why they have a RSPCT."
"A What??"
"RSPCT," he says calmly.
"And what's that?" I asked, desperately trying to come up with the full form he'd obviously devised before he could tell me.
"Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty towards Towels."
...which is where I burst out laughing...!

avantika @ 2007-03-23T22:57:00

2007-03-23T17:34:40Z

This is what K and I painted one weekend!

avantika @ 2007-03-19T20:41:00

2007-03-19T16:22:14Z

Wish I could be a loner,
And I feel jealous when I see one.
Does he know how lucky he is,
does he know that he's cracked the code.

I know wishing is not enough though,
and it kills me to see the guilt in your eyes.
I hate to cause the pain which
I know I do just by being me.

I know it's not an excuse
that that's the way I've been
the way i've learnt,
the only way i know.

I know I have to be perfect
the only kind you deserve.
But I'm standing at the sea
when I have to be at the peak

I hate to say I'm scared
of all the changes I want to make
And I'm scared to tell you I miss you
for fear that I'll hurt you again.

I want you to know though
that I do understand
as you do too I can see,
that the only thing you want
is the best for me.

avantika @ 2007-03-17T17:31:00

2007-03-17T12:01:54Z

If I were a ghost I'd be terribly bored.

avantika @ 2007-03-04T23:37:00

2007-03-04T18:11:36Z

Too lazy to post but here's one of our latest pics..

avantika @ 2006-12-28T15:33:00

2006-12-28T10:33:10Z

I wish I were a loner. I wish I could go to movies alone, walk on the beach by myself, have food at a restaurant, read a book...and be happy. I need people, friends and loved ones, around me all the time. I need affection like a plant needs water and sunlight to survive, without which it withers away and dies. I'm a bonsai...I want to be a cactus.

I'm alive..

2006-09-09T12:53:26Z

So much has happened since my last post that I don't know what to write about. I could write about my month long Europe trip, which was fantastic, or my new job, which I'm loving every minute of, or our new house, which we're enjoying setting up. I was very busy with the Europe trip last month, obviously, and now I'm very busy with the other two. Extremely busy and happy. (Ok ok I'll try and remove the smug smile off my face)

There are a few downsides ofcourse, like I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm not a lawyer anymore but a social worker. The other day we celebrated teachers' day...it was a weird feeling sitting with other teachers. And I'm still strugggling with the cooking and cleaning at home.

But it's just soooo much fun. I've never stayed alone and I'm wondering why I didn't do it earlier. It's the first time I've so much freedom, the first time I don't have to answer to somebody, the first time I can do exactly as I please. And I don't know if I'm imagining it but I feel closer to K as well.

Workwise, I AM glad that I made the decision I did 4 months back. I still don't know if would like to do it my entire life but I'm pretty sure that I want to be here for the next few years at least. And it gives me soo much satisfaction.

Oh and I've got around 600 pictures of the Europe trip so obviously I can't post them all but I'll try and post some of the nice ones.

Akanksha

2006-07-25T18:03:42Z

I am like Monica. In more ways than one, and in more ways than I would like to be! What I'm talking of just now is my uncontrollable need to make everyone happy. I feel terrible when someone's upset with me (and so it's actually very easy to manipulate me). I actually feel almost sick if someone's angry with me whether it is or is not my fault.

However, I'm also a rebel. A quiet rebel. I don't argue or shout. I listen to everybody but in the end usually do what I think is right. It's quite frustrating, however, when, because I don't argue and just listen, people keep telling me what to do.

Thankfully I have a husband who motivates me, pushes me, guides me and trains me (to do exactly what I think would make me happy) and then even applauds and appreciates my little achievements. He makes me believe in myself and gives me the courage to be happy.

And so now, every time I'm in doubt, I just read this (http://kanishka-sinha.livejournal.com/86852.html) and know that I deserve to be happy.